Hi. It’s me again. Haley. The girl who is uncomfortably open about HAVING AN EATING DISORDER. How do you talk to her? What if you suggest we eat lasagna & lasagna turns out to be a trigger food? Do we just avoid her? No. How do I approach her? How do we hang out with her? She’s different now. She’s different now that she’s open about her being DIFFERENT.
It’s no secret that eating disorders make people uncomfortable, as they should. The word DISORDER is in it and that is the opposite of order. The opposite of straight & narrow. Something off the path. Off track. Not planned for.
You don’t plan to have an eating disorder. It just kind of happens. One day you’re eating a salad & trying this diet & exercise thing again, and in the next instance- you’re sitting in the very far corner of the taco place parking lot eating every ounce of your food like your very life depends on it. Inhaling the cheese & chips & washing it down into your poor belly w/ a sugary soft drink. Downing your taco in 3 bites. Looking around making sure… nobody sees you. In your disgust. In your raw emotional state. Just trying to make yourself feel better. Letting the loaded potato griller make you feel better. Unaware, that that is not normal.
What is normal anyway? Well. I imagine normal means not having thoughts like “just eat it & we’ll stay an extra 20 mins at the gym tonight!” …who is this “we” anyway? And why do we have to “earn” “our” food? We are ED & I ~ Also know as my Eating Disorder.
ED and I are currently in a nasty divorce. I want out of our relationship so badly some days and then some days I still love him with my entire heart. You see Ed is a bully. And he’s fake. He’ll lift you up & sing your praises to the tune of “wow Haley you did so well, you worked out until you almost passed out. I’m so proud of you. You’re going to be so thin.”
But the moment you slip away from his grasp with your stand of “I’m going to eat this and not feel bad about it!”, he will turn on you so quickly your head will spin. You go from your pedestal to the ground. You just binged. You are now worthless, and fat, and quite frankly, disgusting.
Are you disgusting? No. No, you’re not. You’re suffering. You’re being bullied, and you are completely taken over by ED.
ED, Ed, Edward, Eddie, whatever you want to call this asshole that is the EATING DISORDER. I call my honey Ed. Simple & to the point.
My name is Haley, and this is my story. I am not offering medical or mental health advice. I am simply sharing my experience and my journey. If you see yourself in my blog, it is up to you to decide if you should seek help from a licensed professional.
This book helped me to finally understand my eating disorder and I highly recommend it to anyone that either wants to learn more about eating disorders or feels like either they or a loved one may have an eating disorder.